Breaking News: Major Oil Deposit Found Beneath Manhattan
City Workers Stunned at Oil Gusher in Central Park
Some of the world's most valuable real estate just got a little more valuable to the rest of the world. Today, NYC Parks employees discovered oil seeping to surface through the grass at the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Upon the discovery, Mayor Bloomberg and Parks Commissioner Adrian Benepe quickly approved some exploratory drilling and geological analysis. The results appear to be very encouraging for anyone worried about gas prices.
"From the initial analysis, it appears that New York City is home to one of the world's greatest oil deposits ever discovered" Bloomberg said at a press conference at the oil-soaked Park. A geologist from Exxon-Mobil then reported that the field could exceed 100 billion barrels of oil, but even that might be conservative. He pointed to the fact that the appearance of this field is a mystery. "This area had been screened over 50 years ago in collaboration with then Park's Commissioner Robert Moses, but there was nothing here. This megafield appearance is conclusive evidence that oil is a renewable resource that is constantly replenished around the world where we least expect it."
Bloomberg then added that he intends to use this windfall to keep the price of gasoline in the city at 35 cents a gallon remembering that this was the price that his father paid at the pump.
Central Park's Sheep Meadow, Home of the World's Newest Abiotic Megafield
City Council Speaker Christine Quinn quickly embraced the continued drilling and exploitation of this new megafield, citing the many programs around the city that this could help fund, like eliminating tolls on all bridges & tunnels, abolishing parking meters and reducing other fees that city drivers face. "It's time to give something back to the city's oppressed automobile drivers and this new oil field will help us reduce the burden on these hard working New Yorkers who fight traffic everyday". Quinn added "it's time to rethink the City as a place that welcomes automobiles, instead of discourages them. People want more cars on our streets and we should support them by making it as easy as possible instead of pandering to pedestrians, cyclists and mass transit rider who only complain about poor safety conditions and are never satisfied."
While for many this was seen as a great new source of revenue for the city, many in the area complained that it would ruin a historic park. "Drilling for oil in Central Park will ruin the neighborhood and destroy the vision of an urban oasis set forth by Frederick Law Olmsted and Calvert Vaux" resident of Fifth Avenue protested as she drove through the park in her enormous Ford Expedition.
Hummers the New Status Symbol of NYC's Oil Wealth
Auto dealerships around the city reported a boom in car sales, particularly the larger and more spacious Sports Utility Vehicles. One man we stopped on his way out the Hummer dealership said that despite his credit problems, he was able to drive off in a $50,000 H2 because of the new city program to help civil servants with bad credit buy their first car. "No more #6 Train for me. I'm going to be arriving for my job at the Sanitation department in style in my Hummer. I even get a free parking placard included in my new union contract too!"
Happy April Fools Day from TOD:NYC